WHAT! Itachi tells stories!
by ChildInMe
Summary: Kisame whose real name is Alfred has signed up Itachi for a storytelling seminar. Itachi decides to practice his stories on his victims, I mean subjects.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Itachi Tells Stories!!!**

**Disclaimer: This author doesn't own Naruto**

Summary: I wrote a part of this when I was half-drunk. (Not on alcohol. On sugar and other things.) So, yeah. Might not turn out as good. Itachi tells stories to random characters. Random Characters get mad. Etc. Etc.

**1. The Three Little Piggies**

This is a conversation between Itachi and Kisame.

"Itachi?"

"Hn."

"Did you ever tell stories?"

"Hn."

"Like fairy tales and all that kinda crap?"

"Hn."

"Good. I'm signing you up for a storytelling seminar in February!"

"!!!"

"Why don't you ever talk in words?"

"#$!"

And that's how Itachi got signed up for the stupid seminar. Needless to say, he was quite unhappy with the arrangement.

Especially since he sucked at telling stories to little ugly brats. He remembered a certain little ugly brat…

_Flashback_

"_Tell me a story!" a six-year-old Sasuke squealed. "Tellmetellmetellmetellmetellme-"_

"_FINE!" a ten-year-old Itachi roared. He threw his pencil against the wall. It broke._

"_Yay!" Little Ugly Brat yelled. He ran in circles. When he finally stopped, he sat down primly in front of his older brother._

"_Um…" Itachi tried his best to recall a story his mother had told him. "There once were three little piggies and they had to build houses out of random stuff. So the first piggy made a house out of straw, the second piggy made a house out of sticks, and the last piggy made a house of out bricks. But then a wolf came and knocked down two of the houses, so only the brick one remained."_

_This is the part where he got more graphic._

"_The piggies begged on their knees with tears in their eyes, 'Please don't eat us!' But the wolf merely laughed. He got a kunai and commenced with torturing the first piggy. First, he chopped of the tail, being careful to slice through the bone. Blood gushed out, and the wolf forced the piggy to drink it. Then he would do the same thing to the ears, nose, arms, and legs. Finally, he would impale the piggy, but not before psychologically torturing him. After he was finished, he turned toward the second piggy and-"_

_Itachi looked concerned as he squatted down to an unmoving Sasuke. That was weird. It looked liked he fainted. Itachi knocked on his head. "Hello? Anyone there? Hello?"_

_End Flashback_

Itachi giggled with glee. Those were the good old days. Hmmm, he never finished the story Maybe it was time to pay Sasuke another visit.

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Sasuke sighed with joy. Today had been hell. Not only did Naruto almost screw up the mission like always, Kakashi had thrown a rotten apple at him. Seriously. A rotten apple for no reason. And Sakura had stalked him more than usual.

Sasuke frowned. That was strange. His light was off. He flicked the switch on.

OMG!!! There was Itachi, in his freaking living room! He still looked the same, cool and calm. In his living room.

"Foolish little brother…" Itachi breathed. Then in a more cheerful voice, he said, "The wolf approached the second piggy and got out his senbon. He said 'Foolish little piggy' and then the piggy begged him not to, but-"

"ITACHI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" Sasuke screamed. Had the world gone crazy? Piggies? Itachi?

"I never finished telling you the story." Itachi sniffed, offended that Sasuke had interrupted. "So anyways. The-"

"AHHH!" Sasuke screamed. Now he remembered! He had been six years old at the time, but had gone into a coma because of that stupid story! (Luckily, he was woken after two hours and thirteen minutes.)

Sasuke activated his Chidori to murder his brother. But Itachi just blinked and said, "You need to lighten up, ya know? I know that you are going through a beautiful phase in life called adolescence but…"

Itachi trailed off as his eyes widened. "OMG!!! Nobody ever gave you The Talk! (Well, seeing as our family is dead. Hee hee, that was a fun day.) Don't worry, I will. Come and sit."

Sasuke spluttered. First, Itachi tried to tell him a story about _piggies_, then he was trying to give him the The Talk? This was a dream, right? Yeah, it had to be a dream. But why wasn't he waking up?

"You see, Hiro, if a man and a woman love each other very much, they do something that can make a baby." Itachi said.

Sasuke blushed a bright red. "I _know_, Itachi. I know. And my name isn't Hiro."

"Fine, I'll explain that later. Listen up, Yuki. When you start entering teenage years, your body goes through a change called puberty. During puberty, you're hormones will be more hormoney than usual, and you'll grow hair in embarrassing places, like-"

"I said that I KNOW! And my name is Sasuke!"

Itachi sighed. "I have such an ungrateful AND foolish little brother. Isn't that right, um, was your name Hyunmin?"

"NO! IT'S SASUKE. Say it with me. SASUKE."

"Whatever, I shall continue my tale."

Itachi went into a long description on how the pigs belly was slit open and he had to walk around a tree while forced to seeing his intestines roll out. (Sick. Just sick, I know, but that's what the Vikings used to do.) Sasuke was too disoriented to pay attention.

"How's that? Wasn't that piggy foolish? Ooh! Ooh! I forgot about the third piggy. Dammit, can't remember what happened to him." Itachi looked thoughtful for a minute. "Hmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

As each "Hmm" was getting progressively longer, Sasuke found a rotten apple on his table. He threw it a Itachi.

Itachi gasped. Then a dark aura descended upon the room. Itachi, eyes full of malice, started saying, "Foolish little brother, you lack-"

"Sasuke! Let us in!" two voices yelled. It was Naruto and Sakura pounding on the door.

Itachi winced. Now he still wouldn't be able to finish his story. "Sorry, but I have to go, Bob. See ya!"

Itachi disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"MY NAME IS NOT BOB!" Sasuke yelled.

But he was already gone.

**Should this be a oneshot, or should it be longer? **

**And Hyunmin is the name of a guy I know. Actually, his name is Min, but his surname is Hyun, so I call him Hyunmin.**


	2. Chapter 2

**2. Little Red Riding Hood**

Itachi frowned at the book of children's stories. All the stories were BORING! They had no kunais or death or Itachi Uchihas in them.

Itachi yawned. Then his eyes fell onto a story. It was (as you know from the chapter title), "Little Red Riding Hood."

"Once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a land far away." Itachi tried out. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Boring! "Her beloved grandmother made a red cloak with a hood for her on her birthday. Since she always wore that hood, everyone called her 'Little Red Riding Hood.' THIS IS SO RETARDED!"

Then Itachi's eyes fell upon another place in the story. "What's this?"

The rest of the story was better, at least. The idiotic grandmother and most foolish Little Red Riding Hood got eaten up, at least. And the wolf's little tummy got sliced open and he died. Itachi cackled with malice when he read of the wolf's death. Although, he would like to modify this story a little.

Would Foolish Little Brother like this story? Itachi wondered how Sasuke was faring.

Somewhere in Konoha 

"Hey, Sasuke can you-"

"Itachi!" Sasuke squealed and slapped Kakashi on the face. "Oh sorry. I thought you were my older brother."

Kakashi's face darkened. But it was all right. He had more rotten apples in his arsenal.

Back to Itachi 

"Why am I here again?" Kisame grumbled.

"Because." Itachi said. "_You're_ the one who signed me up for the stupid seminar."

"Wow." Kisame said. "You're using words."

"Oh, shut up. Now listen, you're Little Red Riding Hood, and I'm-"

"I'm _what_?"

Itachi gave a swift slap. "Do NOT interrupt the storyteller. Anyways, you're Little Red Riding Hood, and I'm the wolf. Now, your mom gave you a basket full of goodies to bring to your sick grandmother in the woods. But I get to kidnap, maim, and torture you. Comprehende?"

"IS THIS WHY YOU GAVE ME A RED HOOD!" Kisame yelled, gesturing wildly to his too small tomato red cloak with a hood.

Itachi sighed. Nobody appreciated him! "That cost ten entire dollars. Plus tax. Be grateful, you got new clothes."

"I FUCKING HATE IT!" Kisame screeched.

"Watch your mouth, you imbecile." Itachi said. "Start acting out the part. This'll be good."

Itachi gave another dramatic sigh. Why of all people did his partner have to be Kisame? First, he signs his own beloved partner up for a storytelling seminar, and then refuses to practice with him. What kind of person did that? But then again, Kisame wasn't a "person." Hmm, he was a half-shark wasn't he? Reminded him of sushi. Oooh, maybe it was sushi for dinner today!

"Hey, Itachi." Kisame snapped, interrupting Itachi's thoughts. "You aren't really going to maim and torture me, right?"

"Eh." Itachi said. "Let us proceed!"

Kisame gave a high pitched shriek and started running away. Itachi sighed yet again. Foolish little Kisame, how dare he run away!

Itachi approached with a kunai in his hands.

Back in Konoha 

Sasuke woke up. Yawn. So it was all a dream, how spiffy was that! Hee hee, Itachi had never come here!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a rotten apple hit Sasuke square on the nose. "What…the…"

He wiped it off, and looked around for the culprit. Nobody. Suddenly, a barrage of rotten apples started pelting him.

Now he was seriously starting to get pissed.

He concentrated his chakra on the apples and teleported them to random places. There! Everything was just peachy!

Five minute later in Akatsuki base 

"Are you sure you don't know what happened?" Kazuzu growled.

"I _told_ you already! He _slipped_ on a rotten apple, _broke_ his neck, and _died_." Itachi snapped. "Good heavens, must I repeat myself _every single time_?"

"Shaddup." Kazuzu yelled right back. He inspected the body, and it seemed that what Itachi had said was true.

But where had the rotten apple come from?

Kazuzu was tired, and now he had to drag the stinking body and bury it somewhere. Funerals cost money. Money was hard to come by. The Akatsuki coffers was ten million short of Kazuzu's goal (which was twenty million).

But maybe the body would have other uses…

"Now nobody will hear my story anymore." Itachi whined. He was so angry that he threw a rotten apple at Kazuzu.

"Why you little son of a bit-" Kazuzu started to say, but Itachi's face brightened as he said, "Oh wait, there's Most Foolish Little Brother. Toodle-oo!"

Itachi skipped out of the room, leaving Kazuzu with Kisame's body.

Meanwhile in Konoha 

"What's the matter?" Naruto asked Sasuke when he started shivering.

"I have a feeling that somet horrible weasel is approaching in our direction." Sasuke replied.

(Itachi's name meaningweasel)

Back to Itachi 

Itachi scratched his head. "Gee, dunno which one to pick."

There were two books side by side at a bookstore. The one on the left was entitled, "Going Through Puberty: A Girl's Guide to Adolescence." On the right was, "A Miraculous Phase of Life: What Boys Need to Know."

Itachi wondered about Sasuke's gender. I mean, Foolish Little Brother was feminine for a boy, but masculine for a girl. (Yes, Itachi doesn't know to be a brother, you need to be a boy. Not exactly at the top of his class, anymore, eh?) Hmmm, maybe he would buy both! Yes, when he presented the presents to FLB, he would be so overcome that he would listen to Itachi's stories.

"Ummm." Itachi took the books to the front counter and bought them.

He was such a considerate brother! He had wrapped one in a bunny and rainbow patterned gift wrap, and the other one in racecar patterns.

Bob would like him so much now!

Itachi headed to Konoha, all the time practicing his newest story, Cinderella.

**This is more of a side project to me, so it probably won't get updated as often as my other story. Though I have a BAD case of writer's block for my other story.**

**Ciao,**

**Heejung Lim**


	3. Chapter 3

**3. Cinderella**

When Sasuke got home, he checked under his bed, in his closet, under the coach, and pretty much in all suspicious places. No Itachis and/or rotten apples.

Today would be a beautiful day.

But as he was walking down his hall, he heard a noise that struck fear in his heart.

_Drip. Drip._

What was that! It was coming from his bathroom! Was it Itachi! With a bunch of apples? Did Itachi do a genjutsu on him so that this was an illusion? Was his entire life a genjustu!

Sasuke shook his head. No! he musn't be too paranoid.

Despite the fear lurking in his heart, the Uchiha forced himself to move towards the bathroom. Please let it not be Itachi. Or fangirls. Especially fangirls.

Sasuke carefully approached the bathroom and pushed the door open. _Creak!_ He almost screamed, but managed to keep his composure. It wouldn't do to scream.

Phew! It was only the sink.

Sasuke almost laughed. How paranoid was he? He turned and took a step before he heard the dreaded voice say, "Foolish little brother."

Sasuke turned around, eyes wide. No wait, he could not believe his eyes. There was Itachi.

In a toilet.

Seriously, his head was sticking out of the toilet bowl. Oh God, was Sasuke going to be sick tommorow.

Itachi slowly stood up, but his feet were still in the toilet. And he was wet. It was gross.

"What are you doing _in my toilet?"_ Sasuke snapped. Everything sucked. Now he would have to spend at least two hours scrubbing the toilet. "And how did you fit in there?"

"You locked the door and windows. It would be highly inconsiderate of me to break them, so I chose the plumbing route instead." Itachi said calmly.

"You-you-you bastard!" Sasuke screamed. "And I asked how you fit in there!"

"I am not a bastard. My parents were married, thank you very much. And if I am a bastard, then you are one, too, seeing as we share the same mother and father."

Sasuke's eye twitched. It was a subtle twitch, but Itachi caught it anyways.

"Is little Bob stressed out? You should take a nap." Itachi cooed.

"My. Name. Is. Not. BOB!!!"

"I've got a present for you." Itachi sang out. "And a nice story, how bout that? But only if you give me a hug!"

The world had gone mad. What was happening? Here was Itachi, buying presents and asking for hugs. Hadn't he forgotten he had killed Sasuke's precious hamster, Hammy? Oh yes, and their parents, too. But Hammy…Sasuke yearned to see Hammy's black eyes again and hear the noise of him munching on a sunflower seed.

"Hug!" Itachi said. He jumped out of the toilet and opened his arms.

"Hell no! Stay away from me!" Sasuke shrieked. He turned around to run away, but Itachi was too fast and deadly.

Sasuke was squished in Itachi's arms. It was hell, and we was getting toilet water all over himself.

A minute passed. And another.

Finally, Itachi let go of our favorite angsty Uchiha.

"There ya go, Bob. A nice little hug. Now I can give you your present." Itachi got out the two wrapped gifts. "Open them up, or I'll kill your current hamster."

Sasuke did not want to see Roxanne die, so he opened up the gifts as quickly as possible. Then he realized something. "Hey, Itachi, how come these are dry and you're wet?"

"Hurry up." Itachi whined.

Sasuke looked down at the two books. He blushed (again). "Going through Puberty: A Girl's Guide to Adolescence" and "A Miraculous Phase of Life: What Boys Need to Know."

What. The. Fuck.

"I AM NOT A GIRL! AND I KNOW ALL ABOUT PUBERTY!" Sasuke screeched very loudly.

Itachi scratched his head. "Eh. It was kinda hard trying to find out your gender, ya know. I mean, look at your hair! And those eyes totally belong to a girl. (Well, of course, they're Mom's eyes.)"

Sasuke blushed even redder, if that was possible. "I know about puberty and sex! I experienced it firsthand! So I-No! No! I mean I experienced just puber-"

"You WHAT, Foolish Little Brother?" Itachi looked shocked. "You what! You're even more of a ladies' man than Father!!!'' Suddenly, a sly look came about in Itachi. "Who was it? Was it that skinny blond girl I saw stalking you? Or that pink-haired girl on you team? Or was it the sixteen-year-old girl who I saw at the supermarket? Or was it that hot brunette I saw walking down the street? Or was it-"

"I didn't have any……sexual adventures." Sasuke mumbled, his face even redder. "That's you and Father."

"Don't worry, just tell me who it is. I'll show you the perfect way on how to use a cond-"

"I'M TWELVE YEARS OLD! AND I HAVE NO INTEREST IN ANY GIRLS! THE ONLY THING I WANT IS REVENGE, AND YOU DROVE ME TO IT, YA SICK, TWISTED-"

Then everything went black.

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When Sasuke woke up, he was in a straitjacket in a padded room. Itachi was an extreme brother, no? (In my other story, Itachi does the same thing.)

A screen was in front of his face. What for?

It flickered to life. There was Itachi's face. "Hey FLB! If you're listening to this, that means you're awake. So anyways, I shall tell you the story of Cinderella."

"Cinderella." Sasuke groaned. "Why that?"

"I changed the ending. Once upon a time in a far away land there was a ravishing girl name Cinderella." Blah, blah, blah, you already know the story. "And when the lovely Cinderella accepted the marriage proposal from the prince, everyone was happy. But then a giant meteor came down from outer space, hit the kingdom, and wiped everyone out. Their corpses still rot there today. The end."

The screen went blank.

Suddenly a thought occurred to Sasuke. Who would feed Roxanne? She would starve to death! He had get out of here!

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Cinderella was one of Itachi's personal favorites, especially the ending. Giant meteor. Heh. Heh heh. Maybe he would choose that one to do.

Itachi looked at his food. Sushi. There had been a lot of it, and some shark fin soup, too, but it had only one shark fin. And the meat tasted…peculiar. Well, at least Kazuzu was "dipping into budget stores." Usually, they ate food grown from the garden, or stolen, which was "free."

Yummy, yummy sushi. How was FLB doing? Itachi stuffed another piece inside his mouth. Tasted weird but good.

WHAT KIND OF A BIG BROTHER DIDN'T GIVE THEIR FLB FOOD!!!

Itachi dumped some sushi on a napkin and tied it up. He went into the room where Sasuke was (which was one of Akatsuki's interrogation rooms). Ah, there was FLB, looking a little pissed, but perfectly fine.

"Forgive me, Foolish Little Bro, but I forgot to give you food." Itachi said. He untied the napkin. "See. Sushi. Use the napkin as your plate." 

"Let me go! And how am I supposed to eat when my hands are tied up!" Sasuke screamed at his elder brother. "You're so stupid!"

Itachi sighed yet again. This was so annoying! "So how did you like my version of Cinderella? Good, huh?"

"It sucked!"

Itachi frowned. Okay, maybe Cinderella wasn't the way to go. And he had a few more days to go. Oh well. Itachi leaned over and freed Sasuke.

"See Foolish Little Brother, now you can eat."

Sasuke ran away.

Itachi cried. "Nobody loves me."


	4. Chapter 4

**4. Goldilocks and the Three Bears**

Itachi hummed as he flipped through the book, "studying." Hmm, Goldilocks and the Three Bears sounded interesting, but the end was quite disappointing. He had half expected the bears to maim the stupid girl.

Itachi sighed and got out his diary. Diaries were not "girly." They were manly! He wrote:

_Dear Diary,_

_Sigh. Studied for the seminar again. For breakfast, there was the leftover funny tasting sushi from yesterday. Quite odd. That is a lot of sushi. _

_Something wired __wierd__wieder__weidr__ AUGH! How do spell weird!!! Oh. I just spelled it. Never mind. So anyways, something __wdire__ weird happened. Kisame's body mysteriously disappeared. Kazuzu said so. That's why there's no funeral. _

_I wonder where FLB is. I plan to visit him again, but not through toilet methods, because it seems to upset him a little. I love little __Bobb__Boob__ Elmer. _

_There was a news report about Pokemon. They said that at this rate, Pokemon are going to be extinct soon! Oh no! I love Pokemon! They're so yummy! Especially __pickachoos__ pikachus. _

_Love,_

_Itachi Pannulus Uchiha_

Itachi closed his manly diary. Ah. Peace.

There was a high pitched screaming noise. Small waves of annoyance swept through Itachi. Who was disturbing his peace? He/She/They would pay…

Itachi went to the Akatsuki living room to see what the commotion was. Pain had cleverly dubbed it the "AkatsukiLivingRoom." Itachi had been impressed.

"What's wrong?" Itachi asked.

There was Pain, Tobi/Madara, and Deidara all looking upset. They gestured to their soup bowls. A small amount was gone, with the exception of Deidara's , which was all gone.

"Someone has tasted my soup!" Pain cried out. "You know, the salty one."

"Someone has tasted my soup!" Tobi/Madara cried out. "The one that is not so salty."

"Someone has tasted my soup!" Deidara cried out. "And then they ate it all."

Itachi scratched his head. Something about this scene was very familiar. He just couldn't remember it. (If only he had a few more brain cells.)

They crept out of the AkatsukiLivingRoom to the Akatsuki Sitting Room, named the AkatsukiSittingRoom.

Everyone gasped.

Pain ran to his rocking chair, pointed to the slight dent in his cushion, and sobbed. "Look! Someone has sat in my very hard rocking chair!"

Tobi/Madara ran to his rocking chair, pointed to the slight dent in his cushion, and sobbed. "Look! Someone has sat in my very soft rocking chair!"

Deidara ran to his rocking chair, or the bits of wood and cushion that was left of it, and wailed. "Look! Someone has sat in my rocking chair and broke it!"

Itachi concentrated even more. This was getting more and more familiar, he just couldn't put his finger on it.

They all heard someone breathing in the next room, which was the Akatsuki Bedroom. As you must have guessed, the AkatsukiBedroom.

One by one, they entered the bedroom. Pain, Tobi/Madara, and Deidara rushed to their own individual beds.

Pain looked at his bed and said, "Someone has lied down on my hard bed!"

Tobi/Madara looked at his bed and said, "Someone has lied down on my soft bed."

Deidara looked at his bed and screamed, "Someone has lied down on my bed, and is still there!"

So the other three ran to Deidara's bed. The girl in the bed yawned and woke. She rubbed her eyes and looked at the Akatsuki members. Her bright eyes widened in fear. She also had locks the color of…well…pink.

"I'm in trouble, aren't I?" she asked.

Later, Pinkylocks was forced into a straitjacket and thrown into a padded room Itachi-style.

"What should we do?" Pain asked.

"Punish her! Punish her! Punish! Punish!" Deidara screamed. He was on the floor, writhing, his way of throwing a temper tantrum.

"Itachi, you punish her." said Tobi/Madara in Madara mode. "She's from your village."

Itachi sighed. They always dumped the less favorable jobs on him. He remembered that once it had been his duty to kidnap an annoying, bratty Kyubbi-holder. But luckily, the white haired toad dude showed up on time, so he had an "excuse" for not finishing his job.

Deidara glowered. Tobi/Madara harrumphed. Pain picked his nose. Itachi left.

Pinkylocks was glaring defiantly and throwing a Deidara-style temper tantrum at the same time, aka squirming on the floor and screeching at the top of one's lungs. annoying was this going to be.

"Hey, Pinkylocks, if you stop that, I'll let you go." Itachi said.

Pinkylocks stopped and scowled. "My name isn't Pinkylocks. It's Sakura."

"Whatever." Itachi freed her from the straitjacket. She still had the scowl on her face.

Sakura frowned. "You look familiar. Like my teammate, Sasuke. Do you know him?"

Itachi ran that name through his head. Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. Nope. "No."

"Really? You never heard of Sasuke Uchiha?"

Itachi relaxed. "Oh! You mean Bob? Oh yeah, I know you! You're Foolish Little Brother's teammate!"

Sakura smiled. "How 'bout we make a little deal. You hook us up together and I help you in whatever you need help on."

"Good." Itachi's eyes glinted with glee.

**Oh no! Sakura and Itachi have joined forces! What will happen!**

**And writing three stories at the same time is hard! I try to update my other two stories quickly, too, but it doesn't work as well. Thank you for all reviews!**


	5. Chapter 5

**5. Balto, the Dog who Saved Nome**

Itachi admired Balto very much. Balto was the dog who saved Nome.

"Don't you like the story?" Itachi asked Sakura, while flipping through his grubby copy of a book on Balto for the millionth time. "I think I shall research it."

Sakura had been occupied with painting her nails for the last five minutes. "Itachi, that's not a fairy tale. You're supposed to do fairy tales."

"I LIKE BALTO!" Itachi screamed.

"Fine." Sakura blew on her purple nails and then studied them with satisfaction. She was an expert at this kind of stuff, unlike Itachi's clumsy and slow work. "I'm good at this."

"Wait, where did you get the nail polish?" Itachi asked.

Sakura shrugged and proceeded in painting her toenails. "In your desk, next to where you keep your sissy diary."

"MY DIARY IS NOT SISSY! IT'S MANLY! AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE USING MY NAIL POLISH!"

Sakura blined. "It had flowers on it. And it had the most horrible content. Oh, and also, boys using nail polish is an indicator that they aren't exactly straight. You understand?"

"You would make a bad wife for, um, Bob, uh, Jonathon, uh, whatever Foolish Little Brother's name is." Itachi stuttered. Man, he had forgotten FLB's name again!

"Sasuke." Sakura said.

"My name isn't Sasuke! It's Itachi Pannulus Uchiha!" Itachi told her.

"I meant that your brother's name is Sasuke. And your initials, did you notice that they are I.P.U.?"

Itachi's eyes flashed with the Mangekyou sharingan. "Have you ever wondered about the reason I killed my clan?"

_Flashback_

_It was a nice night at the Uchiha household. Oh no, Sasuke was late!_

_It was an important day. The entire clan squeezed into Fugaku and Mikoto's house. It was the anniversary of when the clan was first founded. Sasuke, obviously, forgot like he did for the last five years._

"_Hey, Itachi." a cousin said. "Wassup?"_

"_Nothing." Itachi replied coolly. He hoped that they hadn't found his manly diary. This cousin could be such a tease._

"_Have you notice your initials are I.P.U.?" the cousin said with malice in his voice._

_The nearby people erupted laughing. _

"_What were your parents thinking!" another annoying cousin chuckled._

_Itachi frowned at his guffawing relatives. He went to the room where the adults were. He heard them laughing, so he strained his ears to listen._

_It was his parents talking to some of the older Uchihas. _

"_Yes, yes." Fugaku was saying. "We name our children well. Sas-gay!" Everyone laughed._

"_And don't forgot Itachi 'I pee you' Uchiha!" Mikoto chimed in._

_Itachi's eyes flashed with the Mangekyou sharingan. His fingers twitched. He grabbed with katana and went into the room._

_End flashback_

"Ever heard of anger management classes?" Sakura asked. She wiggled her toes. Hmm, all her nails her now a beautiful shade of violet.

Itachi frowned at Sakura. "I thought you were going to help me?"

"Let's hear your story." Sakura said, lazily yawning while at it.

Itachi took a deep breath and started reciting. "Once upon a time in a faraway land called Alaska, there was a dog named Balto who had to save a town name Nome. The people in Nome were dying of a deadly disease, and the only way for them to survive was to deliver the vaccine. Unfortunately, because of the big snowstorm, the only way to get the stuff to them was by sleigh. So a number of dogs passed the medicine from one checkpoint to the next, but a dog named Balto and his sleigh driver was trapped. But through a combination of determination, calculation, and sheer luck, they managed to deliver it to Nome. So the people in Nome survived. The end."

Sakura stared. She was used to Itachi telling crappy fairy tales with endings were everyone suffered some kind of gruesome death. Not stories about a dog who saved people. "That was your best story yet."

"I admire Balto." Itachi said. "I admire him very much."

"I admire the Akatsuki's style. Where can I get one of those outfits, size extra small?"

"In the Akatsuki wardrobe room. It's called the AkatsukiWardrobeRoom."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "I never would've figured it out myself."

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Two day later, in Konoha, Sasuke checked his e-mails.

He opened his computer and went into and quickly typed in his username: AngstyAdolescentWhoHatesHisBrother112. Then he type in his password: DeathOfItachi.

There were three e-mails in his inbox. Sasuke was munching on a (not rotten) apple as he opened the first From the Konoha one. ANBU.

Blah, blah, blah. It was something about the mysterious disappearance of his teammate, Sakura. Knowing Sakura, she probably got lost in the mall or something.

The next e-mail was from Sasuke deleted the message before he even read it.

The next one was from manlydiaryaol. He opened it and read the message:

_Dear Katrina,_

_How has my FLB been? Did you have to scrub the toilet? If so, I apologize deeply. Also, I promise next time I'll break the windows or something instead. You seemed very upset when I popped out of the toilet.  
_

_How did I fit in? With the power of my initials! Mwuhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!_

_My newest fairy tale is "Balto, the Dog who Save Nome." Would you like to hear it? There was a dog name Balto who save a town name Nome. Do you want to know the ending! If you do, you have to visit me! I'll buy you a copy about that lovable Balto, just you wait!_

_Have you read the two books I bought you? Aren't they good?_

_Also, since I am your older brother and our parents and family are dead, I am giving you an arranged marriage! It is only proper. Father and Mother's marriage was arranged after all. So was Grandma's and Grandpa's._

_Your bride is a charming pink-haired girl name Sakura Haruno. Details of the wedding shall come later._

_Your big bro,_

_Itachi Uchiha_

Sasuke took a deep breath. Then he erased the message. Then he went to the bathroom and flushed a rotten apple down the toilet.

**Chapter 5 finished! If you noticed Itachi's initials at Chapter 4, congratulations! I toyed with the idea of the initials, such as I.C.U. or I.M.U., but in the end, it was I.P.U. **

**Sigh. Arranged marriages. Personally, I don't like them. But without them, I wouldn't have existed. You see, my grandparents' marriages were arranged. And pretty much all my ancestors. **

**I also admire Balto. He is a real dog who really save people from dying. That is why I didn't make fun of the story.**

**One more thing. I found chapter four disappointing. In the diary, I added symbols and lines to cross out certain words, but they didn't show up. I may go back and revise things.**

**Sincerely, Heejung Lim**


	6. Chapter 6

**6. Hansel and Gretal**

"Oi, where am I?" Sasuke asked groggily when he woke up. He felt a little dizzy and headachy. As he sat up, he heard a shrill scream.

"W-What happened to me!" Sakura screamed. "Look at my hair and my clothes! What pervert undressed me!"

"Sakura?" Sasuke asked.

"Sasuke?" Sakura asked.

They both stared at each other. For one thing, their clothes were different. Way different. Kind of Dutch, with big, clunky shoes. Sasuke's hair was much neater and Sakura's was yanked into two pigtails.

"Hansel! Gretal!" a shrill voice yelled. "Come here this instant!"

Sasuke and Sakura exchanged glances and then rolled their eyes. What a nuisance. They ignore the voice and started conversing.

"What happened? Why are we here? What is this place?" Sakura asked. She tugged on one of her pigtails. "I hate these!"

"I remember a black blur, and then I think it was my brother who knocked me out." Sasuke said thoughtfully. "What about you?"

"It _was _your brother who knocked me out for sure." Sakura snorted. "I was busy reading a book when he just came over and hit me on the head."

Both of them wondered what this meant. What had Itachi done to them?

"Hansel! Gretal!" a fat woman came out and leered at them. "You lazy children, you forgot to do your chores."

"What chores?" Sakura snapped. "Where's Itachi?"

The fat woman frowned at Sakura. "What on earth are you talking about, Gretal?" She came over and hit Sakura on top of the head. "Lazy bitch, go wash the dishes, shoo!" And then the woman pushed Sakura out the door and slammed it shut.

Sasuke gulped.

"As for you, Hansel!" Fat Cranky Woman approached Sasuke. "Where is the firewood? You were supposed to chop up the wood! Go right this instant!"

Sasuke gave a glare of hatred at Fat Cranky Woman and left the room.

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"Whose clever idea was this?" Pain sighed in content as he sipped from a tall glass of lemonade with three ice cubes, an umbrella, and two slices of lemon in it.

"Mine." Itachi replied. He was helping himself to some stuffed crab.

Pain, Itachi, Kisame, and Tobi/Madara were watching a TV screen. Actually, two TV screens in case Sasuke and Sakura got separated. In one screen, it showed a scene of a pink-haired girl washing a huge pile of dishes and grumbling. In the other, it showed a cussing dark-haired avenger chopping up firewood.

Meanwhile, there were two bodies hooked up to virtual reality machines. Usually, the Akatusuki used this state of the art technology to train, but using it for their own amusement was also fun. Itachi had changed it so the setting was "Hansel and Gretal" and Sasuke and Sakura were playing the characters. Itachi also had a remote control that let him control the virtual reality.

Now they were relaxing on lawn chairs, eating and drinking. S rank criminals had to take a break now and then.

"Ooh, ooh, make the girl take a long bath." Pain suggested. "And then make here clothes disappear!"

Konan had entered the room when he said that. She smiled and then got Pain by the ear and dragged him into the next room. There was a noise that sounded distinctly like a bazooka. When they emerged five minutes later, Konan smiled and left.

"Forget it. Just forget it." Pain added hastily. The others nodded in agreement.

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"Need to get rid of…yes, I said…Hansel and Gretal."

"You never said…promised…at least…"

"…an idea. Tommorow…lose them."

"Fine…your way…tommorow."

Sasuke and Sakura only heard fragments of sentences as they pressed their ears to the door. Only one thing was clear, their "parents" were planning to ditch them.

It had been a sucky day. They each had a multitude of chores, little to eat, and many slaps on the head. And they still wondered what happened to them.

"This is just like in that story, Hansel and Gretal. I only remember part of it" Sasuke whispered to Sakura.

"Maybe, if we complete the story, we'll be free!" Sakura said jubilantly. "Good riddance to these fugly pigtails!"

"But what happens in the end of the story?" Sasuke asked.

They were both silent for a minute.

"I forgot." Sakura said.

"This isn't going to be easy, right?" Sasuke sighed.

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"Ha ha ha! They don't even though Hansel and Gretal." Pain guffawed.

"How do you know the story?" Tobi/Madara (in Madara mode) asked.

"…" Pain told him.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Itachi scratched his head. He pointed at Kisame. "Didn't you die?"

Kisame rolled his eyes. "No, I didn't. The person who really died was my goody two shoes twin brother, Albert."

Pain sniggered. "Albert. That's a funny name."

"Shut up." Kisame snapped, blushing bright red.

"Isn't your real name Alfred?" Itachi asked. "I saw it on your not so manly appointment book. It said 'Property of Alfred.'"

"…" Kisame, who we from now on will call Alfred, answered indignantly.

But then Itachi gestured to the screen impatiently. All of them sipped their drinks and sat back and watched.

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"We're going on a trip to the forest. You be good dears now, and follow us." Fat Cranky Woman told them in a simpering tone.

Sasuke didn't buy it. He slipped a piece of bread from breakfast into his pocket. Might make a good trail.

The thing that sucked was that he and Sakura had no ninja abilities. He tried climbing simple tree, and then he fell. They couldn't even do the simplest things with their chakra. It was really, really bad.

Stupid, sadistic Itachi. Well, at least Naruto wasn't here.

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"I want to see the Kyubbi brat in the fantasy, too." Pain told Itachi.

"Fine." Itachi said. "Have it your way."

They sent Konan (who was mumbling about stupid sexists) to capture Naruto so they could put him in the fantasy. That was all that you need to know. More about them later.

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Sasuke picked off pieces of the bread and threw them on the trail whenever the "parents" weren't looking. He hadn't told Sakura about this. It would come to that later.

"Hey, you brats, I mean darling little gifts from above. Stay here." Fat Cranky Woman pushed both of them on top of a rock. "We'll come back after we do a few, um, errands."

Sakura bit her on the hand. Fat Cranky Woman screamed, hit her, and ran away. The man whimpered and followed after her.

"You made things very awkward." Sasuke told Sakura.

"Thank you." Sakura replied.

They both sat there, trying to follow what they remembered of the storyline. Sasuke cursed himself for not paying enough attention, and Sakura cursed herself for "borrowing" Itachi's various nail polish colors and eye liner.

As it started to get dark, Sasuke said, "Okay, let's go."

They looked at the trail. The stupid birds had eaten the bread crumbs. Sasuke got so angry that he got a slingshot and killed several birds. Sakura piled up the bodies and put a sign saying, "Those who come here must suffer the same fate."

But then a smell wafted in their direction. It was the smell of cookies and cake and pie and other things. Sasuke hated it. But they both followed in that direction, hoping that whoever was there would give them food.

There was a house made of candy and gingerbread and blah, blah, blah. You already know this story, and I don't have the patience to give a full description. The point was, they were hungry and started pigging out.

Then a chubby, rosy lady waddled out. "Oh my! Children, you shouldn't be eating my house!"

Sasuke, with his mouth full of the most unsweetest gingerbread he could find, said, "So?"

"What he said!" Sakura added while grabbing a handful of some kind of chocolate.

The lady tutted and said, "I'll give you proper food if you come in my house. Think about it. Steak, rare or well cooked, chicken, mashed potatoes with thick gravy, fresh, delicious fruit, savory soups, yummy pastries-"

The two ran into the house. The woman gave an evil smile, got a flashlight, lighted it under her face, and said, "Mwuhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha!"

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Alfred text messaged Konan. **where r u?**

A few second later, a reply popped up. **I got the Kyubbi kid. And use proper grammar!**

"Hey!" Pain said. "Lemme talk to her!" He grabbed Alfred's cellphone and sent a message. **hi it's me pain how r u did u get the kyubbi kid get some deteregent we're fresh out**

Konan's reply: **What? Your message was too confusing.**

**don't get the cheap kind **was Pain's reply.

Konan didn't send another message. Pain hmmphed and muttered, "How rude! Alfred, run to the store and get some detergent. I just remembered we're out."

"No!" Alfred yelled. "And call me Kisame!"

"Hey, look, Jenifer got thrown into prison." Itachi laughed while pointing to the screen. It showed an angry Sasuke inside some sort of a metal cell yelling and pounding his fists on the door. "I knew it was a good idea to make that witch put that sleeping powder in the food. Then witchy threw Samantha in prison."

"Where's Pinkylocks?" Pain asked.

"Eh, she's a domestic slave. Witchy is forcing her to work. But she's gonna eat both of them soon." Itachi grunted. He pointed to the other screen which showed Sakura scrubbing out a pot. "More fun to drag it out, see?"

"I like the way you think." Pain said and enjoyed the show.

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Sakura was angry. Very, very angry.

She had spent the entire day lowering herself to wash pots and clean floors. It was her, her, her _dignity _at stake! The final straw came when the witch demanded that she cook! No way was Sakura Haruno going to lower herself that much!

"But I suck at cooking." Sakura said, her green eyes wide and her voice innocent.

"You stupid bitch, move outta the way." the witch cackled and pushed Sakura hard. "First ya light a fire, like this. Ya see? Then you- Hey! Whatcha doin'?"

Sakura pushed witch into the furnace and yawned. Then she went to Sasuke's room and unlocked the door.

"I killed the witch."

"Okay."

They waited for the end to come. They were still in the reality. They waited, and waited, and waited. Then something happened. They spiraled down to a new reality.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

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"So what's the new story?" Alfred asked.

"It's a surprise." Itachi smiled.

Konan entered and threw a bag on the floor. An unconscious, bound, and gagged Naruto was in there. Then she threw the detergent in Pain's face and left.

"Oooh! Hook Kyubbi kid up to the machine!" Alfred squealed.

Itachi did so. Pain cringed from the pain and cried.

Then they watched the new reality.

**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE!**

**Okay, I'm not sure about what fairy tale or whatever to do next, so tell me what you think I should do! Yes, a bit of a poll.**

**Oh, this chapter is a little off. It's longer than usual, but I rushed more. And also, ever since school has started, I have almost no time between homework and extracurricular activities to write very much.**


	7. Chapter 7

**7. Peter Pan**

"What happened!" Sasuke heard an annoyingly perky, energetic voice that was unpleasantly familiar. "What am I doing here?"

Sasuke kept his eyes closed, praying that it wasn't Naruto.

Unfortunately for him, it was.

"What happened to the orange?" Naruto whimpered, pointing to his plain white clothes.

"Shut up, Naruto." Sakura snapped. Then she noticed that Sasuke was awake and blushed. "Hello, Sasuke. You all right?"

"My name's not Sasuke. It's Lauren." Sasuke said, pointing to a nametag that said **Hi! My name is: Lauren**. Sakura had a similar nametag that said her name was Wendy, and Naruto's nametag said "John." Sasuke frowned. Somehow, he thought the nametags were Itachi's idea.

Suddenly, a breeze opened the window and a small boy with red hair wearing a weird outfit of leaves entered. "Hello! I'm Peter Pan! Join me in my quest in Neverland!"

Sasuke tried his best to remember the story of Peter Pan. He was pretty sure that the protagonists joined in his quest or whatever the fuck it was.

"Okay." Sasuke said.

Peter Pan smiled. It was a very stupid smile. "That's just spiffy! That's just swell! And by the way, this is Tinkerbell!"

Sasuke glared at the glowing fairy, all the while wondering whether Peter would talk only in rhyme. Itachi's idea again.

"PeterPanIknowthisstorybutwhereamIthisissoconfusingheysasukesakurawhatdoyouthinkhappenedIthinkthat-"

Sakura cut off Naruto with a large (fake) grin. "We'll talk later." She said through gritted teeth the same time Sasuke said, "Shut the hell up."

"I'll sprinkle you with magic dust so you can fly, or you will fall out of the window and die!" Peter sang out. He grabbed Tinkerbell and shook her violently until she squealed. This brown powder came out of her and drifted on the other three.

They all jumped out the window, but didn't fall. They drifted in midair.

"This is boring." Naruto whined. "And my name isn't John! Where am I? What's happening? "

Sasuke closed his eyes and sighed. "This couldn't get any worse."

"If you say that, you jinx yourself." Naruto told him.

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"Is that true?" Pain asked.

"Dunno." Itachi replied. "But I'm going to make things worse, anyway. Want some lemondane?"

"Sure." Pain said, and held out his empty glass. Itachi poured some lemondane in. Lemondane was like lemonade, but it was orange and sparklier. Konan had bought it with the detergent and other groceries.

"Lemondane is yummy." Alfred said. Nods all around.

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"What is Stinkerbell?" Naruto asked. "I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know!"

All of them, Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto, Peter Pan, and Tinkerbell, were all flying over the ocean. It was taking forever and Naruto was getting bored.

"Shut up." Sasuke told him, even though he knew his attempts were futile.

"I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know!" Naruto said, even louder.

"Tinkerbell is spiffy, yes very. Tinkerbell is a spiffy fairy!" Peter Pan sang out.

Unfortunately for everyone (including all those reading this fic) Naruto didn't hear and commenced in screaming at the top of his lungs. "I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know!"

(Behold the powers of copy and paste.)

Naruto then threw a temper tantrum. "Stinkerbell stinks!"

Peter Pan still smiled insanely, seeming oblivious to Naruto's insult. "I said that Tinkerbell was the fairy of mine, now that you know, everything's fine!"

"What!" Naruto scoffed and then stuck out his tongue. "I don't believe in fairies! Especially Stinkerbell!"

Tinkerbell died. (When anyone says, "I don't believe in fairies," supposedly one dies, for all who don't know. When I was younger, I would go around saying that as fast as I could, killing off all the fairies.)

Unfortunately, whenever the possessor of the magic dust dies, the magic dust disappears, so that means they couldn't fly anymore which means they fell into the ocean.

"What the hell, Naruto!" Sakura screamed. "#$!#$ #$&!"

They all stared. Who knew the pink haired girl knew so much bad language? I mean really, really bad.

Peter Pan cried because his clothes got wet. What a sissy.

So the four drifted in the ocean (Tinkerbell's body drifted into the bottom of the sea). Then an alligator popped up out of nowhere and said, "Roar! I'm going to eat you, Hook!"

It was an ugly, mud colored, bumpy, pimply ordinary alligator going through puberty. Except it was uglier than the usual ugly ones.

"We're not Hook!" Sakura screamed, remembering the story.

"Alligators can talk?" Naruto asked in amazement.

The alligator stopped and smiled sheepishly. "Oh, sorry. I have eyesight problems and all, so I have to squint really hard to see faces clearly. My stupid parents won't let me get contacts and glasses are way too dorky and inconvenient. And yes, alligators can talk. Wait a minute, is that Hook's ship?"

A big, majestic ship with a tall, prominent mast approached in their direction. The ship's name was "Itachi Rox!" (Sasuke's eye twitched again. He felt this was Itachi's idea.)

It stopped and then the captain of the ship came on board.

Hook. The alligator licked his lips. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura blinked and rubbed their eyes, not believing what they saw.

He looked exactly like Kakashi.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei, did you get forced into this dump, too?" Naruto yelled, waving his arms. "And whatcha doing there?"

Hook looked down. Then he said. "I am Captain Hook, not this Kakashi person! Ho ho ho!"

"Hook is a bad guy, he should die!" Peter Pan squealed.

"Ho ho ho! I've finally got you cornered Peter Pan! Ho ho ho!" Hook laughed.

"Santy Claus?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke banged his head against the water several times before realizing that it was perfectly harmless. Why the hell did it have to be Itachi? The guy who murdered his entire family and struck fear in many people's hearts and watched the original season of Pokemon once every month and "collected" those My Little Pony dolls? He would be better off with that gay pedophile, Orochimaru. (Come to think of it, that wasn't a bad idea if it meant getting away from both Itachi and the crappy village…) Itachi was sick and twisted. He made Captain Hook look like Kakashi-sensei for heaven's sakes and then made him say, "Ho ho ho!"

Naruto massaged his forehead. "Ugh. If I don't have any lemondane, my head is going to explode."

Sasuke snorted. Then Naruto's head really exploded.

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"Ugh. Where am I?" Naruto's eyes focused. It was the Akatsuki Television Room (aka the AkatsukiTelevisionRoom), and the members who were watching froze, shocked that Naruot was conscious. Except Itachi, of course.

"Ah! Where am I?" Naruto shouted. "And who's the freaky guy with the orange mask and the guy who looks kinda like my dad?"

"Naruto, I am your father." Pain said.

"NOOOO!!" Naruto shouted.

Tobi/Madara, the Star Wars fan, mumbled, "That sounds oddly familiar."

"Jeez, lighten up, I was just joking." Pain said in an offended voice. "No need to go overboard."

Naruto rubbed his head. Itachi smiled and said. "I made your head explode."

Naruto looked at the two bodies next to him. Sakura and Sasuke were hooked up to that weirdo machine and realized what happened. Then he stared at the screens where it showed his virtual body in virtual blood and gore.

"Is that lemondane? Gimme!" Naruto yelled, ignoring everything else.

"No." Pain said.

"Yes."

"No. No way."

"Yes. Yes way."

"No."

"Not no."

"Yes no."

"Not not not yes no."

"Yes not no."

"Ha! You said yes!"

Pain pouted and handed his lemondane to Naruto, who drank it all up gratefully. He drank it so fast that he choked and almost died, but Pain did the Heimlich on him, so he survived.

After Naruto recovered, he got pissed that he choked and blamed it on Pain. Pain said that Naruto was being to irrational. They went into court. The members of the jury, Konan, Tobi/Madara, Zetsu, Itachi, Hidan, and Kazuzu, declared him guilty. The honorable judge Alfred sentenced Naruto to buying two bottle of lemondane for Pain.

Naruto went on a rampage. Kyubbi rampage, to be exact.

During the Kyubbi rampage, he broke the machine and Sasuke and Sakura finally managed to escape Peter Pan and Captain Hook and the alligator. Thank God, because they had been forced to play Go Fish with them, and they had been losing.

"Oh, my poor head." Sasuke groaned. He looked around. "I have a funny feeling that Itachi kidnapped us and hooked us up to virtual reality machine and made his own sick, twisted fantasies and oh…my head."

Sakura gasped in outrage. Her new Akatsuki cloak was ruined. RUINED! Well, at least her newly purple nails weren't chipped.

"I demand a new one!" Sakura yelled and then marched into the AkatsukiWardrobeRoom.

Sasuke looked at all the rubble and then whistled in surprise. Then he saw something on the floor that caught his attention.

"Oh. Lemondane." He said and then opened the bottle.


	8. Chapter 8

**8. The Gingerbread Man**

Pain believed that a lot of good qualities was what made a good shinobi. The Akatsuki agreed with him on that. Pain also believed that to have good qualities, you must learn them. The Akatsuki agreed with him on that also. Lastly, Pain believed that cooking was a good quality and that the Akatsuki should take classes. The others disagreed.

"Why do you need to learn how to cook, un?" Deidara asked. "All you need is some nachos and lemondane to get you through the day, un."

Everyone ignored Deidara because they hated him.

"Fine, you may hate me now, un! But I will one day become stronger than all of you, un! Un un un un un un un un !" (He later got blown up by Sasuke.)

"Shaddup!" Sakura yelled and threw a book at his head.

So on Saturday afternoons, all the men of the Akatsuki went to cooking class. Konan didn't, for she was simply frightening (not to mention she was PMSing the day Pain had mentioned cooking class). Sakura did not go because she was busy painting her nails and had pictures of the Akatsuki drunk wearing lampshades on their head as blackmail.

So Itachi forced himself to go the damn cooking class every Saturdays, when he could be doing something useful, like practicing his fairy tales or sewing. (Leader sama had forced them to take sewing last year. Itachi found embroidery very comforting.)

The teacher was Mrs. Boodaboo. She was from the Hyuga clan, because her mom was Hiashi's fifth cousin once removed. Because she had the Byakugan, she was able to see who was talking, cheating, and whatever. She was a nightmare. Boodaboo reminded Itachi (cue dramatic music) the Ninja Academy teachers.

"Now now, class." Mrs. Boodaboo said. "Pass your papers forward."

Deidara raised his hand. "I have a question, un."

"Yes?"

"Remember question 3, un? I didn't understand the directions, un, so I left I blank, un."

"You should've come to me before class started." Boodaboo said sharply.

"But I, un, I mean I, un, well, you see, un, I un, un un un ununununununununun!" Deidara had another "un" seizure. He passed out.

Mrs. Boodaboo tinkled her bell. Immediately, a squad of ANBU came, picked up Deidara, and left. School could be brutal.

"There will be no distractions in my class." Boodaboo said sweetly. "Now, follow the directions in your textbook, page 23. Your materials are in front of you. Go!"

There was the noise of many textbooks being opened and turned to the correct page. Itachi scanned the title with his eyes: Gingerbread Houses. Oh great. He hated gingerbread. It reminded him of a girl who used to tease him. Her name used to be Ginger Bread.

Itachi followed the directions. In 0.5 seconds, he constructed a gingerbread mansion with a frosting swimming pool, caramel orchards, and a carefully crafted chocolate tennis court. He was very good, and the other students glared at him jealously.

Now Itachi was bored.

Bored.

Bored.

Bored.

So to amuse himself, Itachi made a gingerbread man. Gingerbread body, gumdrop eyes, frosting decorations, and all that good stuff.

Lastly, Itachi did the one thing Boodaboo told her students never to do in any circumstances…put chakra in the food. Since he was curious to see what would happen, Itachi did it. (Foolish little teacher…)

So the gingerbread man started twitching. First its eye, then its nose, then its mouth, then its ear, then its other eye, then its left leg, then its…skip this part because you already know what's happening.

"AH! IT'S TWITCHING!" Alfred, who was nearby, screamed, pointing at Itachi's gingerbread man.

"There will be no talking in my class." Mrs. Boodaboo said. She picked up her bell and tinkled it again. Some ANBU came and surrounded the shark man.

"NO! PLEASE HAVE MERCY!" Alfred screamed as the ANBU swept on him and dragged him out of the classroom. School could be hard.

Mrs. Boodaboo then approached Itachi. She stared at the twitching gingerbread man. Then she stared at Itachi for a full minute. (Byakugan activated to seem more intimidating, by the way.) Then, in a sinister voice, she uttered, "Did I tell you or did I not tell you to put chakra in the food?"

"I'm glad he did!" a squeaky voice called out. It was the gingerbread man! He was standing and pointing a finger at Boodaboo. "Otherwise I wouldn't be alive."

"Shut up." Boodaboo snapped.

"My name is Gingy McMuffin! And I hate you! YAAA!" Gingy McMuffin summoned his extraordinary powers of the gingerbread and a vat of cream appeared out of nowhere and dumped itself on Boodaboo.

"WTF!!!" Itachi screamed, laughing. "LOL!"

Gingy laughed and ran out of the classroom, yelling. "I'm the Gingerbread Man! Catch me if you can!"

"GET THAT THING!" Boodaboo screamed.

Instantly, an entire stampede of cooking students rushed out the door, yelling. "COME BACK HERE, GINGY MCMUFFIN!"

Itachi cackled with malice. Hmm, now he would have enough time to pay a visit to Foolish Little Brother. (Poor Sasuke, he better be prepared…)

Anyway, Itachi followed the stampede, curious to see if Gingy had survived. All the students were spread out around the halls and classrooms, searching for the gingerbread man. (All the windows and doors had been locked so there was no chance of escape.)

"This is so retarded." Itachi whined. "Who cares about Gingy?"

"Mrs. Boodaboo said that whoever finds Gingy will get enough extra credit to tide them over for three failed classes." Alfred, who was nearby, supplied.

"Well, shit. That means if I find Gingy, I can skip three classes." Itachi said. "Hmm, now if I were a gingerbread man, where would I go? Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm."

Unfortunately, Itachi said that out loud.

"To the gingerbread mansion!" a girl cried out. The stampede turned back into the classroom to Itachi's gingerbread mansion.

"Jeez, why didn't I think of that?" Itachi asked himself. He left and followed everyone to the classroom.

Gingy McMuffin was snoozing in a lawn chair near the tennis court.

"GET HIM!" everyone yelled.

Gingy woke up and stared, eyes wide with fright. "Please don't eat me, I'm the gingerbread man!"

"KILL!" everyone shouted.

Gingy fainted.

"Stand back!" Itachi yelled. "I know CPR!"

Everyone cleared a path for Itachi. Itachi went over to Gingy, took a deep breath, and did a little mouth to mouth. Gingy was breathing, but still unconscious. But the problem was…well…Itachi found Gingy quite tasty.

Itachi picked him up and ate him.

"I get extra credit, right?" Itachi asked. "Wait a minute, why are you guys approaching me with such angry faces? No, no, get away! I'm warning you, I know tae kwan do, karate, and AH! SAVE ME!"

**The end was a little rushed, sorry!**

**And again, thank you for all reviews. They are greatly appreciated.**


	9. Chapter 9

**9. Alice in Wonderland**

Sakura looked around. She was wearing an ugly dress and headband. She was in some weirdo strange place. She didn't like it.

Sakura first thought was, "Itachi." Surely, she couldn't forget the virtual reality machine easily, and it was easy for Itachi to sneak into Sakura's room and hook her up to the semi damaged machine.

"Oh dear, oh dear, I'm late!" a retarded white rabbit wearing stuffy clothes who was hopping by said this.

"Hey, bunny! Where am I?" Sakura snapped.

"Oh hello, Diana! You can do my chores for me!" the bunny said.

Sakura stood up and stomped her foot (with her weird black shoes and lacy socks that she hated). "I DON'T DO CHORES! ITACHI, YOU FREAK, GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE RIGHT NOW! OR ELSE EVERYONE WILL SEE THAT PICTURE OF YOU DRUNK WEARING THE LAMPSHADE ON YOUR HEAD ON THE INTERENET!"

Silence.

Then the rabbit said, "You are mentally disturbed, young lady."

"Shut up." Sakura said. "Just shut up."

Suddenly, she woke up from her dream.

Sakura Haruno blinked. She looked at her clothes (her favorite pink pajamas) and her surroundings (her Akatsuki bedroom, which Pain called the SakuraAkatsukiBedroom).

"Wow. It was all a dream." She said.

"What are you talking about?" a Humpy Dumpty said. He held a long knife and (gasp gasp) Itachi's severed head!

"You are sick. Let me get some sleep." Sakura yawned and dozed off.

"AHHHH!" Itachi screamed, waking up. "Oh. It was all a dream. My head didn't get chopped off." But just to make sure, he walked into the bathroom and checked in the mirror.

"I'm Twiddledee and this is Twiddledum!" a fat guy with and identical twin shouted.

Itachi screamed, and somewhere Sasuke woke up.

"Gah." Sasuke said. "I can't believe I woke up due to Itachi's screaming."

Then he really woke up.

Then Naruto woke up. It was all a dream!


End file.
